My Anxiety is Bad [Pt.1]

So it's almost 11.pm in my bedroom/studio(bedroom) and I'm racking my brain about what to start this.  I have realised I tend to not focus on myself a lot. Well I do but I don't think I like to talk about myself. Don't worry stiff-faces and SJWs, I'm not planning on dwelling on this topic too long. I just feel like giving those so distant from me, an insight into what I really think/feel..Maybe it'll make others feel okay, as I am not the only one. 
 
My Anxiety is BAD. [Part.1 ]






I must note; it never used to be like this. I really didn't used to give a shit about what people thought, or what I thought.. and generally could enjoy myself. I am not a fan of living in the past as bad shit happens to everyone, but as humans I guess we try to make sense of why we feel this. 

.....

I'm ALWAYS THINKING 

When I wake up, I think THE thought.. When I'm in bed I think THE thought.. Then THE thought  manifests into another thought later. It's quite hard for me to explain but it's something that's given me hell for years. I'd have the most horrible, gruesome and contradictory thought, and because I had it, I would feel an extreme guilt.. one that essentially results in trying to convince myself how I wouldn't act on these images. What made this worse was the lack of understanding from others.. the thought police culture some live in, where if you think it you will do it/or are it. What made these thoughts worse was who I was hurting in them,.. people I would die for. This chaotic thought cycle lasted strong for 2 years, leading me to taking medication, locking myself in my room and trying to stay away from home as much as possible. It hasn't completely gone, I still think it.. but now I realise I am the complete opposite, which is why I worry. My new destructive habit is racist thoughts, which I don't believe in in any form. Still it sticks because there's always that possibility.. what if I am? Just like the violent thoughts, this is amplified through thought police.. who also have ''bad'' thoughts themselves but just love that moral high ground. Just how my first thought dilemma ruined being close to people, this might also.. and what terrifies me is someone of different colour thinking I'm a racist. With that being said, how would people know what I think? If it wasn't for this blog post, no one would care but still..the thing is.. I WOULD. Thought policing does exist, but I need to stop doing it to myself first. 


@Outss. 


 

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